A Note to the “Other Parents”

Dear Absentee,

It’s on nights like tonight when I find it hard not to hate you. If you were no one – simply another person that I no longer love, or just someone I should never have been with – then it would be different. But you are not no one. You are the other half of my baby…

Don’t get me wrong – you leaving was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. And quite possibly to us. People like you have been doing people like me a favour by disappearing for a long time. There is nothing special or particularly tragic about your leaving. It is merely another cliché on top of the ones carried out within a relationship whose significance I can barely remember anymore. For the most part…you don’t matter…and you don’t matter a lot…

Tonight I have a headache and it’s completely killing me. And I am all alone so I can’t disappear into my room and sleep until I feel better. Luckily this doesn’t happen often. I love being a single mom. People think that you’re such a hero for doing it alone. They never stop to think that doing it alone is so much easier than co-parenting with someone who is completely toxic. At least when you’re alone – you’re alone! And you’re programmed that way, so it’s all good. When you’re with someone who doesn’t help anyway? THAT is impressive!! THOSE people should be getting medals. Not me. I’m just a mom.

But then the headaches come and for a few hours it’s not so easy anymore. The baby is crying and he’s crawling on me. It is taking all my self-control not to shout at him. It’s not his fault and I know this, but my head is pounding like a bass drum and I can barely think or see straight…

And then the questions come. And they won’t stop. Questions that I usually just ignore and avoid thinking about because how can you think about such things without your heart breaking for that tiny little person that you have brought into the world? But my head hurts. And I can’t stop thinking.

You see it would be fine if we were in this together but we are not. There’s no civility. No consideration. No logic as far as what is best for your child is concerned. Never would I ever feel like I could call you up and ask you to come over for feeding time so that I could just get a break to sleep the pain away.

And why? Because you truly don’t believe that it’s your responsibility to be my helper.

• You think that paying a measly amount of maintenance that barely covers a third of your child’s expenses somehow absolves you from your true duties as a parent.
• On the occasions when you are unable to pay this maintenance, you offer weak explanations but no apologies.
• You start off with “good intentions” but quickly slip easily into arriving late to pick up your kid and even missing out completely on days that you’re supposed to be with your child without ever suggesting make-up time. Do you think it goes unnoticed?
• Your child spends “you” time with your mom. Where are you? And since you barely see your child as it is don’t you think you should be absorbing every second you can?
• And just in case you were wondering: your child might not notice when you don’t buy Christmas presents…but I do…

So here are my questions:

• Does it ever occur to you to say thank you? Thank you for providing all the finance. Thank you for always doing the dishes. All the laundry. Thank you for making sure that the children are fed. And warm. And healthy. Thank you for going to all the PTA meetings. And the school plays. And the sports events. Thank you for loving them. Thank you for not being able to have a life free of worry. Thank you for sacrificing your freedom. Thank you for doing a good job…
• Do you think we don’t notice when our children come home smelling of cigarette smoke? And do you think we buy it when you tell us its incense?
• Do you think we don’t notice when they’ve been exposed to harder substances? Do you know that our intuition when it comes to our children is as powerful and accurate as any one of our other five senses? How do we know? We just do…
• Do you think we don’t hear about the things you get up to in an attempt to show us up in our absence? Don’t be so foolish as to assume that your friends’ loyalty goes beyond the wellbeing of your child…
• Did it ever occur to you that handing over an envelope of cash and then asking “and what do YOU contribute to OUR child” is a little bit obnoxious?
• Does it occur to you that we get tired? That we deserve a break?
• Are you not ashamed that you leave a responsibility that is essentially half yours in the hands of someone else?
• And how exactly do you justify your criticism of the job that we do….?

It could be a longer list. A boring trite cliché of a list that sadly almost every single parent understands and can relate to – those who don’t are lucky and should clearly be saluted for managing to maintain such a healthy relationship with their former partner.

But you? You I feel sorry for. Your arrogance and your bitterness and your love for playing the role of the victim will simply be your own undoing. You will hurt your child constantly with your cold selfishness but you will never be able to break him. Not on my watch.

I met someone not so recently, who has taught me the most amazing truth: everyone is replaceable when they’re not there to begin with. You don’t matter because you are not there.

I matter, simply because I am unwaveringly here. My sins after that are forgivable.

I worried for so long that my child might be scarred because of you, but I realize now that I am the antidote to all of your thoughtlessness.  It doesn’t matter that you know nothing about being a parent because I am willing to know everything.

It never occurs to me to run away, or to spend money on myself first before my child. I don’t take uninterrupted sleep or alone time or a long hot bath for granted. I know better and I am a better person for it. My kid is damn lucky to have me.

What about you?

There are some amazing “other parents” out there. I know this because every time I hear about one I have to slap myself on the wrist for being surprised.

You are not one of them.

You don’t have to be married to your child’s other parent to be a good parent.

You just have to be a parent…

“What I’ve realized is that life doesn’t count for much unless you’re willing to do your small part to leave our children — all of our children — a better world. Any fool can have a child. That doesn’t make you a father. It’s the courage to raise a child that makes you a father.” — Barack Obama