Goodbye ‘09

So we’re halfway through January and I’m only getting to my New Year’s post now. Yeah yeah – how typical. Initially I planned to do a “oooh look it’s my blog’s birthday” post. That never happened. Then I planned to do a 2009 sum-up. That never happened. Then I planned to do a Happy New Year thing. And guess what? Apparently I was busy. Doing what I’m not quite sure. Probably nothing.

Now of course I’m sitting here and all those dreams of positive yayness have left me completely. I can’t even think of any resolutions (though in my defense I did do a resolution thing is September – that counts right?) And I sort of feel that I have a duty to myself to be a bit more enthusiastic about the whole it’s-a-new-year thing but my God I’m struggling to get into 2010!! So many people have come up to me in the last two weeks assuring me that 2010 is going to be “our” year. I have no idea what that means! And I hate them for their sunshine happiness. It’s not fair! Everyone is so enthusiastic and I can’t help but feel completely blegh about it all. I want 2009 back – and I want it like a three-year-old wants a lollipop!! And every time I hear a Katy Perry song I get all morose and pathetic about it! Which sounds mildly insane but she did kind of somehow manage to provide quite a soundtrack to 2009! All these happy people gushing on about what a great year 2010 is going to be all have one thing in common: they all tell me that 2009 was possibly the worst year of their lives. Well that is EXACTLY why I have no joy at the idea of a new year and the new beginnings that go with it. 2009 was awesome for me. Truly one of the BEST years of my life!!

* I got over my ex. Now that kind of sounds a bit silly. This is a man that I loved and had a baby with for heaven’s sake. It took me 4 years to get over the first man I ever felt anything real for. It took six to get over the next. I suppose the shittiness of the person quite possibly has a part to play in the whole time thing but surely it shouldn’t have all got itself dead and buried so quickly (pity he refuses to do the dying and getting buried thing…).  I just suddenly realised that the two years since I had met my ex were filled with constant drama. The term “shit magnet” was surely coined for this man. He left and the drama followed him. Thank God! There’s nothing like hindsight when it comes to clarity. If the man was still in my life I would still be sad/stressed/depressed and thinking it was normal. Now really my life is still filled with a bit of drama – but the nice kind of drama that makes you giggle or roll your eyes, not the kind that makes you reach for the arsenic. Ah personal growth. What a peach Also for some reason, putting this particular disaster behind me kind of cleaned my windscreen a bit. I’ve always been particularly intuitive when it comes to people and situations. My instincts are generally pretty reliable, but a dullness set in somewhere. Apparently getting rid of 75kgs worth of idiot was cleansing on that front too. His bipolar tendencies started to become rather transparent after that. (*Katy Perry – Hot & Cold)

*I started The Breakfast Club which was a hell of a lot of fun. Just a random bunch of people randomly getting together to do a few random things at random places (perhaps in 2010 I should try to un-neglect it since the poor club has lain dormant for quite a few months now!)

*Then because of the Breakfast Club I met Angela. It seems ridiculous that I have only known this woman for a year because I adore her as if I have known her forever! With her I re-discovered the absolute serenity to be found within the friendship bonds shared between women. There are few things in life quite so precious. And then Ceri and Candi got thrown into the mix and we suddenly had our own Sex-and-the-City posse. Of course I could add a whole list of gal pals who are awesome here but those three I hold ridiculously close to my heart. These three girls to me are the definition of the good bad influence. (*Katy Perry – Waking Up In Vegas)

* I learned that just because shooters are small doesn’t mean you can drink ten of them without suffering any sort of severe consequences. This is a good thing to know…

* I accidentally went to a sex toy party. Really. By accident. It was all Caro’s fault!

* I fell in love with Alicia Keys. her live version of “If I Ain’t Got You” completely slays me. My God!! What a woman!!! i know it sounds silly but my sis gave me her DVD for my birthday and it kind of reminded me how to listen to music again.

* I went through a proper rebound relationship! Ha!!! And seriously – you really don’t know they’re happening until they end. Wow. Kind of makes you more interested in psychology and reasons for why we do the typical things we do in response to standard situations. What. An. Idiot. You couldn’t possibly scream dysfunction any louder than this particular union – on both sides! A rebound relationship where only one of you is damaged is one thing, but when both of you are severely fucked up it really is something particularly special! Luckily I came out of the whole thing a little less dysfunctional. (*Katy Perry – Ur So Gay*)

* I did the being single thing like a pro.

* I learn that being a single mom truly does make you damn special. And it certainly helps you appreciate others more.

*I found Twitter. Ha and I love it still The madness that fills my day-to-day life thanks to the monkeys on the other side of my computer screen keeps me sane. And I have made some seriously amazing friends through Tweeting.

*I learned a few lessons is prioritizing and realized that once you’ve disappointed people with big things, disappointing them with small things really doesn’t bug you all that much anymore. It kind of makes it a lot easier to do things for yourself instead of constantly worrying about what others think.

*I kissed a girl for fun. And then I kissed a girl and meant it. And I don’t really know what that means nor do I particularly care but I’m glad it happened. (*Katy Perry – I Kissed a Girl)

*I lost a good friend in 2008 to cancer and though I was devastated at the time I didn’t really sort through my feelings about it until much later. He was just one of those people who was always close to my heart even though we didn’t always travel in the same circles and I know he loved me just as much as I loved him. We shared one of those strange we-may-never-see-each-other-but-know-we’re-always-there friendships. I think about him properly now. Every day I remember him and smile because he was who he was. And I miss him. It tugs my heart and that’s the way it should be. (*Katy Perry – Thinking of You)

*I started The Poetry Project and for the first time in years actually felt some real satisfaction in the “work” I was doing.

*I rediscovered spirituality.

*And I met the most amazing person I have ever known and settled into a relationship so natural and so comfortable that it feels as if we have simply always been together. It’s funny how when you make the decision that you’re totally happy to be single the Universe decides to prove you wrong. When you’re 27 and you’ve already trashed a marriage and managed to alienate the father of your illegitimate child into returning to the dope smoking and man whoring ways that he once repeatedly thanked you for “saving” him from you kind of tend to feel like you’ve pretty much been through all the relationship stuff. You “know” and nothing is new. There’s no point in playing in that field anymore. And then this man came along. And sometimes he seems to think that I don’t know how different he is. How different we are as a unit. He tells me not to punish him for the sins of those who came before him. Fair enough – that’s not an unreasonable request. But what he doesn’t get is that when I draw anything from the past it’s not because I am afraid that he will do what they did but because I am terrified that I will make the same kind of mess that I have before. And honestly while it clearly didn’t matter enough before not to fuck it up – it sure as hell matters more than anything now!! But – as much as I manage to speed wobble myself about this sometimes – he does truly seem to be the Nadine Whisperer and I can quite confidently tell you that I am way less hateful (and therefore less likely to screw up) with this man than I have been within the confines of any other relationship. I kind of came to the conclusion a long time ago that relationships are supposed to be difficult. Which kind of means there’s something seriously wrong with this one because so far it’s been nothing but easy. Perhaps it is because I clearly have no demands for this man. He is enough. In every way. Never do I find myself thinking oh I wish he was more like this or like that. It’s not I-love-him-even-though-I-deserve-better-treatment. It’s not I-love-you-even-though-I-don’t-know-why. It’s I-love-you-because-my-whole-world-is-better-with-you-in-it.

So yes, all that amazing stuff happened to me last year and now I feel that 2010 is looming over me like that raincloud over Eeyore or it’s trying to swallow me like some sort of bottomless abyss. It’s simply something I have to go through to get to 2011 – which is a ridiculous thing to feel at the beginning of a new year! At this point I wanna go backwards instead of forwards. On the other side of 2010 lies the end result of all the work I’ve been putting into The Poetry Project. On the other side of 2010 lies the end of all the red tape that my man has to go through so that we can be together properly/move in together/get married/think about having another baby. On the other side of 2010 lies my life. How did that happen?

There is one thing though: I started last year just as quietly as I ended it. When the clock struck midnight on the first day of 2009, I got up from the couch I was sitting on  and with my son asleep in my arms, I kissed my father goodnight and took myself and my son downstairs to bed. There were no bells or whistles, no expectations and no mood lifting intoxication. Just the paralysing sensation of being overwhelmed. The holidays were coming to an end.  Where to now? Am I really going to do this mom thing all by myself? And then I walked away and did it. And I did it well…

So I think it might actually be ok to be starting 2010 with a little reservation, a little insecurity and a little bit of fear. I have a new baby to raise now, and as much as I absolutely cannot do without the help of all the amazing people that are involved in her growth, she certainly will die without me. Luckily 2009 has taught me that she won’t…