Stupid people make the world go round

It was kind of my new year’s resolution to make fun of people less but sometimes the world does not cooperate with me on such matters and though this is generally my new year’s resolution almost every year the only change that ever happens is that the time between making and breaking this resolution keeps getting shorter as the years go by. It’s totally not my fault. The only thing I can think of that might help is if I pay less attention to people – but paying less attention would mean breaking my other resolution so I’m totally in a catch-22. But fokkit! After this morning’s conversation I think I’ll toss the being nice one and keep the attention one. It makes for more interesting life.

Now let me play catch up for the few readers out there who don’t already know me. I’m a single mom with an almost-18-month-old baby and for the last five months I’ve been dating a single dad who has a six year old daughter and an eight year old son.

This morning, of course, was his daughter’s first day of school. So off we toddle to school, baby and kids in tow and we meet the kids’ mom and maternal grandparents at the gate. Now they play no part in this story really except that hanging out with them obviously makes me feel awkward. All three of them seem nice and are quite polite to me – but I can’t help it! It’s weird!! I certainly wouldn’t have anything to do with MY ex’s girlfriend (boyfriend?) but it’s easier for me to say such things because Noah’s dad and I never really got to call ourselves a family for very long. There are no years of togetherness behind us. There was one year. A baby. And a bail. There was no real time invested. But here there is a proper history and it all makes me nervous and bumbly and idiotic. That’s not the point though: the point is that feeling uncomfortable tends to make me extra polite, which is why I ended up having such a bizarre conversation with one of the grade three teachers.

Mom, Gran, Grandpa and Daughter go off in one direction while Dad, Son, Baby and I go off in another. This is all in an attempt to avoid awkwardness. Clearly I suck at not being awkward. Anyway – we walk down the passage towards Son’s classroom and as we reach a cluster of teachers gabbing away I recognize a girl who used to do Herbalife with my family – she attended focus groups, trainings etc and was at my house quite often for a period of about two or three years. At the time I used to try and pay extra attention to her because she was quite shy and very quiet. Of course now I have something else to grab onto which will help to lessen the whole I-feel-awkward thing so I flash her a HUGE grin, embrace her and say hello. She looks happy to see me. But in hindsight I realise that that’s possibly just her face….

Her: Hi, how ARE you?

Me: I’m well, how are you?

Her: Well. I haven’t seen you in ages! Wow! The last time I saw you, you were pregnant. And now… (she nods her head towards my boyfriend’s son, who is eight)

I just laugh nervously. She can’t possibly think he’s mine right? But she keeps staring at the back of his head, smiling goofily.

Me: Oh no (I try to laugh as if I don’t think she’s an idiot for thinking that after seeing me pregnant two years ago I went ahead and gave birth to a blond six year old – how’s that for having a magical vagina?!!) that’s my adopted one. The other one is with her mom. We’re just making a bit of a fuss over him too so he doesn’t feel left out. It’s his sister’s first day.

Usually I refer to them as my inherited children. Clearly I should have done that here.

Her: Where are you worshipping these days?

Huh???? She smiles (seriously she looks high!) and I suddenly worry that she might try to lead me to Jesus. Or ask me if I don’t have a spare bankie…

Me: Um….

Her: I’m still at the same place.

Me: Oh that’s nice.

Now I want to go back to my boyfriend’s ex and hang out with her a bit.

Her: (taking the baby’s hand and giving it a bit of a stroke) Was the adoption process quite difficult?

Me: What?

Her: Adopting. Was it hard?

Me: Um… no I was kidding about the adoption thing… those are my boyfriend’s children (by now my voice is betraying me – surely this woman can hear that I think she’s an idiot).

She then looks at my child for a while and then looks at me with an “And him?” expression on her face.

Me: Noah is mine…

I watch as she has an *ah* moment. It has suddenly computed that pregnancy + two years = toddler.

Her: Oooooh….

She smiles and nods and I’m actually starting to feel scared so I excuse myself and dash off to the shelter of my inherited son’s classroom and I find myself mentally making as many excuses for this bizarre behaviour as possible.

• Possibly she has no idea who I am and was awkwardly trying to pretend that she did to avoid embarrassment.

This doesn’t work because she referenced my pregnancy and I know the last time she saw me was when I was pregnant because the last time she saw me was in our new work premises and that opened around the same time that I fell pregnant. Although she then also first seemed to think that I had a) given birth to the eight year old and b) adopted the child I was holding (the one that looks like a mini version of myself!) so referencing the pregnancy kind of seems a bit redundant when her other assumptions were a bit wild…

• She has been so badly brainwashed by her church that the suggestion of me dating a man who is not the father of my child just does not compute at all. Or perhaps she thinks he IS the father of my child (innocent mistake that one at least) and can’t figure out how he has other children that are not mine.

I can’t imagine that would be her fault. Possibly she should see a therapist though.

• She’s really tired because she was up all night preparing for the first day of school.

I think I need to hold onto this one and hope that a better night’s sleep will help make her a bit cleverer. Yes!  I’m going to have to employ this one as the official excuse because the alternatives are just a little too scary as far as the  “hey teach my kid stuff” is concerned.

• She was high.

You see why I need to hold onto the last one??????????

• Maybe she’s on prescription meds.

That’s at least better…

• Her body has been possessed by an alien.

Eish brutha shit happens!

I’m sure I could come up with more… And if I’m honest the whole weird bizarre conversation was totally my fault. I should really start employing the I’m-too-lazy-to-greet-you-so-I’ll-just-pretend-I-don’t-recognize-you tactic. It keeps things simple and you never find yourself brain scrambling to remember someone’s name.

But really… I just can’t get around the fact that what it all boils down to is that someone put this woman in charge of teaching kids….