Frogs don't hop they leap like spring hares!

So at about two am a frog jumped on my bed and changed the way I view  the world as a whole.

Last night I was talking to the man in my life and trying to explain to him how even though I don’t need him in a co-dependent useless-without-you cos I can’t make my own tea kind of way – I still need him in a way where  “need” translates more to want in a mad-possessive certifiable way that should probably not be tested for the sake of the safety and sanity of those involved in the equation – so actually possibly it’s the same thing and my attempt to differentiate between the two is a redundant exercise. I dunno. Somewhere along the line I managed some sort of independence that didn’t really need male validation to ensure it’s continued existence. Or so I thought. My attempt to explain this to him failed I am sure – since even now I am doing a ridiculously bad job.

Anyway – the point is – it doesn’t matter anymore because I changed my mind!

Let me lay out the happenings of last night:

1. 10:30 pm-sh I hear some strange sounds coming from Noah’s corner of the bedroom. “It’s just the dog” I think to myself (because really – why shouldn’t she be playing with his toys right?). The less deluded part of my brain starts laughing and goes yeah right, it’s “just the dog”. What a bitch.
2. 2:30am I hear some strange sounds next to me and freeze up completely. Something is playing in Noah’s toy box next to my bed. And it’s not being quiet about it.
3. 2:31am Now something is on my bedside table and it’s fiddling with the empty popcorn packet.
4. 2:32am *thud* – that was my imagination right? The whole *crinkle*crinkle*thud* thing did not just happen right?
5. 2:33am No of course nothing happened. I was dreaming. That wet thing brushing up against my arm? Nothing but my imagination.
6. 2:34 *plop*
7. #fml – I have to get up and figure out WHAT THE EVER LOVING HELL that was!!

So yeah…. It was a frog…. chilling out next to my head… eating my popcorn… playing with Noah’s toys… No problem…

Except – HOLY CRAP IT WAS HUGE!!!

Now the thing is – I am not afraid of frogs – frogs are just fine. Just not at two in the morning. And it is possibly my innate femaleness in play here, but I think it’s ok for me to just not want to deal with them. Not just at two in the morning, but ever…

So -  my darling man – I definitely need you to fulfil the following roles in my life:

1. I need you to check out the weird noises coming from the other side of the room
2. I need you to check out the weird noises coming from the toy box
3. I need you to save me from frogs jumping on my head and getting all comfy on my pillow (and no jokes here about kissing frogs because i totally already have my prince and don’t need the damn frog!)
4. I need you to capture the frog and take it out of the house before it starts wailing like a baby. This is very important. Chasing it in a zombie-like trance until it finds refuge under the dressing table is not very helpful. (Matthew accomplished this not me – I woke the poor boy and he did try to fix the problem but he failed miserably).
5. If it does start it’s weird baby wail before you manage to take it out I need you to combat the ensuing panic attack (and I swear I’m not making the baby wail up – seriously!! What the hell????)
6. ‘Then when my mind goes to that nasty little place where snakes-eat-frogs-so-what-if-there’s-a-snake-in-my-room-now I need you to to use some sort of magic power to calm me down so that I don’t start freaking out in a lost-to-the-pit-of-oblivion way and become incapable of falling asleep because there’s a snake in my room trying to get me. Because seriously – that baby wail is just calling those damn snakes!

Are we good with this? I know I should be all independent woman about this but bugger it.

Plus – you probably like frogs!