I'm Not Bitter I Just Think You're All Insane

I planned to write this post on Friday but – thankfully – ran out of time and then changed my mind about it.  Then over the weekend I got an email from an aquaintence telling me that the stuff i write on Twitter is probably scaring men away because I come off as bitter and homicidal. So now i’m kind of back to wanting to write it because I think it should be said that although I might be the common denominator in all that I am about to disclose, I have very little to do with any of it and therefore cannot be held responsible for the logical conclusion that  men are ceritfiable.

Now yes, I do realise that writing all men off as assylum patients is not very PC, but I do have my reasons and you might want to believe that I’ve made some of this stuff up (God knows I do!) but sadly it’s all true. Obviously I’ve changed the names.

Bob: Prefers porn to actual real live women.

Oliver: Constantly tells me how awesome and amazing he thinks I am and how badly he would like to see me naked. He also constantly tells me how many women he slept with over the weekend, often by using phrases like “sorry i’ve been out of touch but i’ve been in bed with a hottie for the past few days”.

Yuri: Seems to be under the impression that it’s no big deal that he used to be a male prosititute. Now honestly as a friend this bugs me very little. In fact not at all. the stories this man tells are amazing and I’ve on many occasions found myself conversing with him for hours. But come on! That’s kind of a tough one to swallow. You gotta give me that! xvz

Steve: Took over a month to figure out that you can’t be “just friends” with the girl you’re sleeping with.

Adam: Kissed me on Thursday night. He lives with his girlfriend.

Roland: Told me that he loved me because he “thought it was what I wanted to hear”. This after insisting constantly throughout our entire (useless) relationship that he is unfalteringly honest.  Then after the “I love you” revelation he completely freaked out and retreated into oblivion, which was kind of fine with me but still confusing as all hell. He is also under the impression that he broke up with me.

Eduan: Ok so this one says more bad things about me than anything else. Eduan is a good friend of my ex (not telling exactly which ex) and I cheated on Roland with him. After watching us make out for an entire evening like drunken idiots, the girl he liked decided that she really wanted to be with him. Never have I felt so useful.

Sean: Can’t resist the urge to constantly tell me how over me he is. Okay then.

Tom: Who’s the friend in your profile pic? Me: why? Tom: She’s hot. She single? Me: you have a girlfriend. Tom: So? Me: So you HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. Tom: I’m not married and we’ve been together for nine weeks already. <— all this coming from a man who has tried to date me on numerous occassions and is constantly asking me to set him up with one of my friends. Also he has recently refused to go out for coffee with me because he “has a girlfriend now”. WTF???

Uriah: Has offered for me to be his dominatrix. He wasn’t kidding.

Paul: Can always be counted on for the filthiest fantasy emails. They have yet to only include two people. As brilliant as he is at constructing scenarios I would be terrified of sleeping with this man!

Ivan: is infatuated with three girls.

Dean: is in love with five.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is just the tip of the iceberg as far as my collection of insane male stories goes, but I have run out of acronym space so i’ll just add a few more here:

I know a guy who is convinced that the woman he is stalking is his girlfriend. Another either very desperately needs to see his doctor about getting some little blue pills or think seriously about coming out of the closet. Another guy i know is clearly crazy about this girl who he can’t date because his ex girlfriend is psycho and he can’t seem to figure out what to do about it. Married men hit on me ALL THE TIME. And not like single guys do. There’s always this weird underlying sexual innuendo and it’s like they’re constantly saying “if only you had a guy like me”. What? So I can do your laundry? I once got a phonecall from a guy at 2am. He called to tell me he was naked. And I got an sms at 4am once from a guy i know yelling at me because “when did we become this boring married couple?!” – I have a better question…when did we become ANY couple?

How, after just those few stories, is any woman supposed to find men sane? We as women keep getting accused of mental imbalance but this right here constitutes pretty much the same thing is you ask me.

So really, maybe it’s not just men or just women that are crazy. Maybe we all are….