Bring on the Porn

I was in the car listening to the radio the other day on one of my many trips to and from the boyfriend’s house during the evil house moving phase and Grant Nash was going on about how Multichoice is thinking of bringing in a pay-per-view porn option for DStv. Now I seldom pay any attention to Grant Nash because he’s way too surfer dude on hash to engage my cerebral cortex in any way but I do remember thinking something along the line of oh it’s about time they did the whole pay-per-view thing here. And then I spent a few minutes wondering if perhaps they already do do it here and I just missed the memo… (more…)

Is my boyfriend a serial killer?

Well I have spent the last two weeks going out of my mind. Moving. God I’m sure it’s the bane of any home-dweller’s existence – THE MOVE. Why oh why do we do this to ourselves? When I moved in with my momma at the end of 2008 (the third time I moved that year!) I swore to all the gods that I would never do it again. Ever. And yet here I am. Again. Living between boxes.

But this is not the part that disturbs me in any way. This is a normal thing to have psycho nervous breakdowns about. (Luckily my wonderful man was there to pick up the pieces when I keeled over last week!)

I packed up my boyfriend’s entire house. He was away – so who else was gonna do it -right?

Anyway this can be quite a nerve wracking experience. So many things to make you raise an eyebrow – from cabinets full of bizarre female medications (ok so those weren’t his) to some weird kitchen gadgets. Luckily I found nothing too bizarre. Nothing quite so stressful as going through cupboard after cupboard wondering if this will be the one that all the worms fall out of.

Thankfully I found nothing too dodgy – or so I thought. I found no porn – not even anything mild. I found no vagina-shaped vibrating gadgets. Or stashes of drugs.. Or anything worthy of running a mile… What I did find though were bags and bags and bags full of…black garbage bags (not orange ones…). Ok. That’s fine. and then…boxes and boxes of latex gloves. Erm…no comment. And then I found boxes and boxes of matches.

So…

garbage bags

latex gloves

matches

Really….am I dating a serial killer?

A Note to the “Other Parents”

Dear Absentee,

It’s on nights like tonight when I find it hard not to hate you. If you were no one – simply another person that I no longer love, or just someone I should never have been with – then it would be different. But you are not no one. You are the other half of my baby… (more…)

The Goldfish Serial Killer – A Stalker Tale by Melissa Bachuis

A Long, long time ago, in a very far place called Facebook, some dude stole me from a guy’s friends list [whom I liked very much at the time] [The friend list guy, not the random crazy dude] I didn’t know him from a bar of soap, but he felt it necessary to “like” all my statuses. He commented on all my photos, wall post, statuses, he even popped up in randomly bars and pubs where he knew I would be etc just like any other good stalker would do, but I must admit the standards of the stalkers really went south… Don’t get me wrong. I love stalkers, as much as the next person, but I prefer 1,000 muscle-bound men kneeling in front of my home or work chanting “we’re not worthy we’re not worthy” They are much more elegant. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me explain what happened on this one dreadful Friday night …
(more…)

Dating a Website…or something…

My boyfriend refuses to admit that we met on Twitter. When people ask how we met, he looks around all shifty-eyed and then his voice goes up a few octaves when he answers “at a coffee shop?” – like it’s a question! *pffft* I love that we met on Twitter. It’s soooooo 21^st century!!

Ok so maybe it doesn’t QUITE count because we didn’t meet on Twitter, flirt shamelessly, lose our cyber clothes and then decide to date before actually meeting in person blah blah blah.

We met at a Tweet-up and I first established that he was a lot taller than I expected him to be (head shots can be so deceiving!) and then about three seconds after that I had already decided that he was the man I was going to marry. Don’t ask me how these things work. I have no idea… But that’s the 100% truth of it. And yes – I know how insane that sounds! (more…)

Valentine’s Day

I know what you’re all thinking: Oh geez REALLY? Another VALENTINE’S DAY post? Oh spare me I thought it was all finally over blah blah blah and I totally get where you’re coming from… but it’s not my fault that the movie I’m about to tell you a little bit about is called Valentine’s Day…

Now I am possibly about to embark on a blog post that will completely ruin my good name as a person of reputable opinions forever. Ok… granted the “reputation” may be mostly self-inflicted –  you can’t blame a girl for wanting to be anything but an ordinary and completely trite cliché. (more…)

Why I will Never Be Able to Live in Joburg

Almost ten years ago when I arrived back in South Africa after being in the states for nine months I stayed in Joburg with my dad for two weeks before coming home to Port Elizabeth. I remember thinking at the time that every South African should live there for at least a little while in their lives. Kind of like how Americans feel like you should live in New York just long enough for you to not turn into a New Yorker.

I have changed my mind!

Not a damn will I EVER live there. And not because of the crime or any of the million other arguments that people will generally throw at you.

This morning I drank a cup of coffee, a shake AND a cup of tea before jumping into the car for the “long” haul between Lorraine and Central. HAHA!!! By the time we turned from Willow Road onto William Moffet I needed to pee – oh dear god i needed to pee!!! The longest half hour OF MY LIFE eventually came to an end after a pit stop at MacDonald’s.

Now how the HELL do you deal with that when you’re stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic?

The whole time I kept thinking “Thank God I don’t live in Joburg! Thank God I don’t live in Joburg!!”

Now of only i didn’t have a MacDonald’s craving….

I Was There

It’s the 20^th anniversary of our Madiba’s release from prison today. It seems crazy that it’s already been that long. At “almost” 30 I can’t for the life of me remember the occasion that is today being celebrated, but I’m certainly happy that the celebration is taking place and I listened with pleasure as everyone’s favourite love-to-hate shock jock Gareth Cliff spoke fondly of our former president this morning on 5fm. For all the blushing embarrassments that ol’ JZ is currently putting us through, at least in Nelson Mandela we as South Africans will always have someone that we can be unwaveringly proud of. (more…)

A Risky Diss on Avatar

Avatar got nine Oscar nominations. This is fine. I think I might even get it. But is this a bad time to admit that I didn’t really enjoy it all that much? And am I alone in my indifference?

Now really – don’t get me wrong. I didn’t hate Avatar, and I in no way view it at all as an abomination of Twilight proportions (I may have to blog my Twilight views later) but was it really THAT great? What did I miss?

I would like to start by saying that the idea of body swapping was awesome. I did like that part. Very clever as far as gimmicky things go. Also – I LOVE Michelle Rodriguez so really any movie with her in it gets a bit of a thumbs up from me because she’s awesome. But come ON! The plot of the entire movie was completely uninspired and predictable. Fail Blog actually posted the idea that the writers had got hold of the script for Pocahontas and just changed the names a bit. Yeah….that sounds about right… (more…)

The Gods of Honesty Can Really Be Douche Bags Sometimes

Oh God! Seriously – I really do seem to have a knack for attracting the attention of the most random people and getting myself into the weirdest situations. And my powers of pissing people off impress even me in cases like this.

I have managed to have another hate post written about me. Ho hum. It might even be getting old. (Or young – If it feels like I’ve returned to high school does that make it young?)

Now, I must confess that this time it’s somewhat deserved. Bitterness is an ugly bitch and she always insists on an out. Piss her off and you get pissed on. Simple as that.

I pissed her off…

Sometime this week (I think it was this week at least…the timeline didn’t really attract the attention of my long term memory) a Facebook demon got hold of me and I aired my grievance on Twitter. An acquaintance posted on his status update about how he loves watching soccer players on the beach drool over his girlfriend and then shortly afterward posted a naked photograph of her lying in the water. I posted something arrogant and rather self-righteous like “nothing like watching a guy pimp out his girlfriend. It’s kind of making me nauseas”. I have almost a thousand followers on Twitter. I had no idea that his girlfriend was one of them… (more…)